I navel-gaze because it's my blog and I can

I've been putting together some things in my head lately...

Thing 1:  I am stuck in a series of vicious cycles: I'm isolated because I have food issues, but I have food issues because I'm isolated. I'm pressuring myself so intensely to find that meaningful/purposeful Big Thing that I lack, but I have a sneaking suspicion that until I stop pressuring myself, I'm never going to find it.

Thing 2: This makes me very angry. How the fuck am I supposed to stop pressuring myself until I find the Thing that gives me that solid core of meaningfulness which will allow me to take a step back from my neurotic self-punishment? Emotionally I'd just be stepping out into the abyss, hoping that there would be something to replace the identity I'm giving up. That's not a leap of faith I'm capable of making. Obviously this is the entire point of a vicious cycle and I'm pissed about it. Which only makes me cling even more tightly to the whole neurotic identity that I hate so much but can't let go of.

Thing 3: I cannot change my emotional responses to any of this by thinking about them. Or by talking about them (aka therapy). I've tried. Nothing doing. The conversation goes like this:

Me: I don't lift weights because I hate myself; I lift weights because I am empowered and strong!

Myself: Stop lying, you useless bitch.

Me: EMPOWERED! STRONG!

Myself: Fuck off. You are worthless and weak.

Me: ...[gives up]

Myself: Told you so. Now get back under the bar, you pathetic sack of shit. 

...this is not a particularly useful conversation to have and inevitably makes me feel worse than not trying at all. Also I'm afraid that at one point I will actually start saying these things out loud and end up like Gollum, crouching under the squat rack rocking back and forth and snarling at myself. And I hear the psychotic maniac look is really out this fall.

Thing 4: BUT, possibly I could find a way out in the old "act that way and the feelings will come" line. Just, start doing things that I find interesting even though I haven't found the Thing that will make my life worth it yet. Act as if I had a reason to live, even though I don't. Maybe if I accept that I'm just pretending, and thus feel no pressure to actually feel that way, then I will be able to fake myself out effectively and break the cycle?

On the other hand, this feels a lot like the stupid idea that we all have to be happy all the time, which is just one aspect of everything about modern culture that I hate down to my bones. I'm also dubious that it will actually work because the ultimate meaningful Thing would involve some kind of meaningful interaction with a real society (namely, not ours), and I don't think I have access to any such society. So even if I did theoretically break out of the cycle and reach out to society, I don't think the society would actually meet my needs.

On the third hand (great, now I'm not only Gollum, but also a mutant), I don't really have much to lose, I guess.

And this brings me to something I am very familiar with: giving myself homework. Except instead of trying to give myself pretend-happy homework that I do by myself, I'm going to have to give myself pretend-happy homework that forces me to interact with other people, and hope that I'm wrong in my belief that there is no place in the culture around me where I can meaningfully fit in. Oy.

Still trying to figure out what this might actually look like. I don't think it could be with food; I can't start acting as if I had no food issues, because...I do. But maybe it would be easier to mandate 1 social event per week or something? If I could pick something without any food? 

dsahfdsalj; I hate myself. And I hate trying to fight through the self-hate and how much energy it takes. BRB punching walls.